Guide to Benei Mitzva Observance at

Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel

Second Edition

A Guide, Checklist and Resource Packet for Logistic Planning for a Youth Bar- or Bat-Mitzva Observance

5760  1999-2000

Revised 1 September 1999

© 1999 Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel and Rabbi Jon-Jay Tilsen

Table of Contents

Introduction by Rabbi Jon-Jay Tilsen

When a young Jew reaches the age of 12 or 13, she or he is considered for most purposes an adult under halakha (Jewish law), responsible to God and answerable to humanity for her or his own deeds. In Hebrew such a person is termed a bat- or bar-mitzva, a woman or man "subject to the mitzvot" (commandments). This status is attained by virtue of age (barring mental incompetency), and is not a function of any ritual sacrament or performance. This is analogous to a minor becoming an adult under Connecticut civil law at age 16 (for purposes of operating a motor vehicle or getting married), or at age 18 (for voting) or 21 (for purchasing alcohol).

With adulthood comes the responsibility to live according to the Torah of Moshe and the traditions of the Jewish People, as described, in part, by halakha. This means fasting on Yom Kippur, giving tsedaqa (charity), being honest, dealing kindly with others, honoring one's parents, studying, and observing Shabbat and kashrut (dietary laws) among the 613 mitzvot. This means joining as a full partner in the Jewish mission of Tiqun HaOlam, of improving the world by living according to the mitzva system.

And with adulthood comes the privilege of fulfilling mitzvot, counting toward a minyan (prayer quorum), representing the congregation before God as sheliah- or shelihat-tzibbur (prayer leader), and taking part in all areas of Jewish life in a serious way.

We celebrate the young person's status as a bat- or bar-mitzva because it is a milestone for the individual, family and community. The bat- or bar-mitzva celebrates her or his new status by exercising the adult privilege of serving as shelihat- or sheliah-tzibbur. The celebration takes place in the context of the community's regular Shabbat, Festival or Rosh Hodesh service because to a large extent the celebration belongs to the entire community.

The year of preparation before the celebration serves for many as an incentive to master "synagogue skills" and to grapple with what it means to be an adult Jew responsible for the mitzvot (commandments). Study, practice, a "mitzva project" and tsedaqa (charity) constitute the experience which is celebrated by our Congregation on the appointed day. As each person is different, each preparation and celebration will be different, designed to maximize the spiritual and educational benefit of the young Jewish adult.

It is our hope that the celebration will be kept in this perspective, and that it will thereby be joyous and meaningful. Please know that the Congregation's staff and Rabbi are eager to help make this time a very special one for the celebrant and family.

The Congregation also arranges for what are commonly called "Adult Benei Mitzva" experiences; for more information contact Rabbi Tilsen.



Planning Ahead: A Check-List of Things to Do and Know

Three or more years before

Educational attendance and attainment are required for celebrating benei mitzva at BEKI. The celebrant must demonstrate ongoing enrollment in Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel's religious school, Ezra Academy, or an equivalent program approved by the Rabbi. In exceptional circumstance, when these requirements have not been met, please consult with the Rabbi about options that may be available for appropriate bar- or bat-mitzva observance in the Congregation.

Reserve a date well in advance. Dates may be reserved by BEKI members in good standing on a first-come-first-served basis. For a bat mitzva, the date should be after her twelfth birthday; for a bar mitzva, after his thirteenth birthday, according to the Hebrew calendar. Generally it is preferred to celebrate the bar- or bat-mitzva as close to the actual birthday as feasible. While most families choose a Shabbat, it is also possible and appropriate to choose a Rosh Hodesh (New Month) or other special day on the liturgical calendar. To reserve a date, please call the Office Manager at 389-2108 ext 14. The Office Manager will explain procedures and availability, and will make your reservation. At the same time, you must receive approval of the date from the Rabbi, who will verify that the date is compatible with the liturgical calendar and explain any liturgical considerations that might affect your preference for dates. At that time, your date will be held for thirty days. Your reservation will be completed only upon receipt by our office of your signed contract form and non-refundable deposit. A written confirmation will be sent to you. If your completed contract and deposit are not received by our office within thirty days, that date will be released and made available for other functions.

For Students with Special Needs, parents are urged to consult with the Rabbi at an early stage to help plan appropriate educational goals and strategies. The Rabbi can help identify tutors and other resources available to address the celebrant's particular needs.

Mastery of basic liturgy should be attained. The celebrant should be able to recite the Friday night Qiddush; the Shema (all three paragraphs); the weekday Amida (nineteen blessings); Ashrei (Psalm 144-145); and Birkat ha-Mazon (grace after meals). These are among the most basic prayers, mastery of which indicates readiness to begin more advanced material such as Haftara and Torah reading, and the specialized liturgy of Shabbat.

Budget planning may begin at this time. How much are you able to spend on this event? What is most important? We suggest that keeping current in obligations to the synagogue, providing for educational supplies and tutoring, tallit and tefillin, and providing tsedaqa be placed at the top of the list of priorities. Please remember that while there are synagogue fees for benei mitzva observances, there is no additional fee for regular staff time, including the Rabbi's time. A typical bar- or bat-mitzva observance requires many hours of regular staff time. Your synagogue dues and contributions are only a part of what makes this staff support possible, and provide for the maintenance and upkeep of the facilities so that they can be available for your events. Although some families opt for elaborate celebratory affairs, a simple and relatively inexpensive observance is in keeping with traditional values and the expectations of the BEKI community. The inclusion in this document of guidelines for DJs and party favors, for example, is not meant in any way to suggest that these need be employed. To the contrary, simplicity is encouraged.

Typical expenses include the tuition for the BEKI Benei Mitzva Program, $1,250 (or private tutoring, $1,500); simple Qiddush, $800; invitations, $300; tallit, tefillin, siddur, $400; tsedaqa contribution, +10%. More elaborate qiddush-luncheons may cost from $1,000 to $10,000. The tuition for the BEKI Benei Mitzva Program includes a $200 credit toward facility rental, a siddur, and other services.

Knowing with whom to speak can make your planning a little easier. Questions pertaining to the Benei Mitzva Program, including registration, classes and mitzvah projects should be directed to Liora Lew or Amy Pincus; questions pertaining to the worship services, Shabbat and Kashrut observance should be directed to Rabbi Tilsen. All questions of logistics for caterers, deliveries, staff support and billing should be directed to the Office Manager. Any member of the staff will always be happy to refer you to the appropriate staff member or officer for any issue not within their own purview.

Understand the limitations of the facility and its staff. While the Congregation seeks to be a "full-service" synagogue and while the staff are eager to do their best to make this a special and happy time, there are limits to what our facility and staff can support. By discussing your plans with the Office Manager early, you can find out just what types of activities and schedules the facility and staff can support. The building is not yet fully handicapped-accessible, although the main floor can be entered from the front door with no steps and a handicapped-accessible washroom is available on the first floor. Fire codes limit the number of people who may use the social halls at one time. Our staff can not be available at all hours. While the Congregation can not accommodate all requests, please be assured that the staff will do their utmost to make your events as well-supported and well-implemented as can be.

Understand and respect the religious and aesthetic standards observed by the community. A broad ranges of approaches are found within the Jewish world, but each community holds its own standards. The practices of the BEKI community represent the product of an ongoing process of careful evaluation and consideration. Respect for community standards, even (or especially) for those with which one might not agree, is an important value to be honored and modeled by the celebrant's family. While at BEKI we acknowledge and celebrate the uniqueness of each individual, we nonetheless expect each person to respect the rules.

Two years before

Planning for the celebrations that will take place at the synagogue can be facilitated by meeting in person with the Office Manager. The Office Manager will be able to answer questions and explain exactly what resources the Congregation offers. All matters of building set-up and use, building access, payment, and the like, will be arranged with the Office Manager. In addition, the Office Manager will be able to refer you to the right person to address your questions or concerns for matters not in the Office Manager's purview.

Celebrations held outside of the synagogue should be held in accordance with the laws of Shabbat and kashrut (kosher). At the time when a youth is attaining the age of mitzvot, it would be ironically inappropriate to celebrate that in a way that does not respect the fundamental observances of Shabbat and kashrut. This is so even (or especially) for families that do not observe traditional Shabbat or kashrut at home. Since the Congregation comprises many traditionally observant families, only affairs that are in accordance with Shabbat and kashrut can fully include all in the celebration. If you are contemplating a function in a home that does not have a kosher kitchen, the Rabbi can suggest simple ways to accommodate those observing a kosher diet.

Food presentation planning can begin. All food served at Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel must meet strict kashrut (kosher) requirements as determined by the BEKI Rabbi. Food may be prepared by one of the caterers on the "Approved Caterers" list only, which is appended. If there is an exclusively kosher caterer under rabbinic supervision that you would like to use but does not appear on the list, you may seek written approval from the BEKI Rabbi. Note that the caterer must be under approved kashrut supervision at the time of the affair. As sometimes caterers change or lose their approval, be sure to make approval at the time of the affair a condition of your agreement with your caterer.

The Oneg Shabbat served after the Friday Night service shall be strictly pareve (i.e. containing neither dairy nor meat products or by-products). This may include fruit, coffee, cake, punch, tea, cookies, nuts and the like. An Oneg Shabbat is usually served only after the 8:00p Late Service, and not after the 6:00p Early Service.

The Qiddush on Shabbat Morning is part of the celebration. Therefore the family is expected to sponsor the event for all of the congregation present as well as their guests. Many families have affirmed the importance of community by including all those present in an extended Qiddush. United Synagogue and BEKI policy require that grape juice be available for the benefit of those who do not drink wine. The caterer or food service provider should be informed that a card with the Shabbat morning Qiddush blessing, and "grape juice" and "wine" labels, are available on the refrigerators in the kitchens adjacent to the Social Halls, and that these cards and labels should be placed next to the qiddush cup and on the grape juice and wine trays during set-up for Shabbat morning Qiddush. The caterer should also be instructed to set up the available high-chairs to accommodate our youngest worshippers at qiddush in the Social Hall and at any affair in the Lower Level Social Hall. Any time bread, bagels, rolls, or halla is served, washing stations should be set up by the caterer to accommodate ritual hand-washing before HaMotsi. Candles may not be displayed or lighted on Shabbat. The Qiddush must be dairy or pareve.

BEKI permits the serving of re-heated food on Shabbat on condition that such re-heating is done strictly in compliance with Shabbat regulations. Ovens and urns must be left on and at their desired temperature before Shabbat, and may not be adjusted during Shabbat. Instant coffee and tea may be mixed in water heated before Shabbat, but fresh-brewing is not permitted. Fires and electric heaters may not be lighted, started or plugged-in on Shabbat by any person. Please be sure your caterer understands that BEKI follows Jewish law in these matters and plan your menu accordingly. The service of heated foods on Shabbat normally requires additional kashrut supervision charges, as described in the appendix "Kashrut Supervision Fees at Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel"; an energy surcharge may be made as well. Please see the "Dear Kosher Caterer Letter" in the Appendix for additional information on food service rules and considerations. The Synagogue Office mails this letter to your caterer once you inform the Office of which caterer you have engaged.

The Se`uda Shelishit (third meal) is presented on Shabbat afternoon following the minha service. While not required in every case, presenting at least a modest se`uda shelishit is appropriate particularly when the celebrant will participate in the Shabbat afternoon or Motse'ei Shabbat (Saturday evening) and havdala services. The Se`uda includes two hallot but not wine. The Se`uda should be dairy or pareve.

Bands, DJs and musicians often book their engagements years in advance. If you have a particular group in mind, it is never too early to call them. Please note that the use of musical instruments, recordings, and electric amplification are not permitted in the synagogue building on Shabbat and festivals, but are permitted on Saturday nights and weekdays, including weekday Rosh Hodesh. For events taking place on Motse`ei Shabbat (Saturday night), please note that all set up must be accomplished before or after (but never during) Shabbat. As this may necessitate careful logistic planning, please speak with the Office Manager before engaging a band.

Enrollment in the Benei Mitzva Program should be completed. By this time, the celebrant should be registered for the BEKI Benei Mitzva Preparation Program (also known as the "BEKI Benei Mitzva Class"). Please speak with the Program Director to determine the best dates of enrollment for your celebrant. Celebrants typically begin the BEKI program 18 to 6 months in advance of the event. The program includes class time, individual instruction, individual tutoring, and other activities. In some cases, it may also be desirable to engage a private tutor to supplement the BEKI program. For a list of recommended private supplemental tutors, please speak with the Program Director.

Each registrant in the BEKI Benei Mitzva Preparation Program is provided with a copy of Siddur Sim Shalom to use for preparation for leading services as well as daily prayer.

Evening affairs held after Shabbat entail special logistic considerations. For events taking place on Motse`ei Shabbat (Saturday night), please note that all set up must be accomplished before or after (but never during) Shabbat. There is no access to the synagogue building on Shabbat for set-up for affairs taking place after Shabbat. Caterers, bands, DJs, florists, and other vendors must work closely with the Office Manager to insure they are able to accomplish their tasks. Therefore it is crucial that the set-up period needed by caterers and bands and the ending time of Shabbat be taken into consideration when determining what time an evening affair will begin.

One year before

Regular attendance at Shabbat services by the celebrant with her or his family is required and provides for familiarity and comfort with the service. The bar- or bat-mitzva celebrant may be called on to participate in the adult service as well as Junior Congregation during this period. The celebrant should also attend daily and Festival services.

The "Benei Mitzva Class" meets during the school year to prepare for their celebrations and to discuss some of the implications of their impending status as benei mitzva. This group includes students based on the date of their planned celebration. In addition, most celebrants will meet individually with the Rabbi several times to discuss religious issues associated with their new status.

A mitzva project to celebrate the bar- or bat-mitzva year may be selected in consultation with the Benei Mitzva Program Coordinator and religious school faculty. The purpose is to impress upon the celebrant the fact that adulthood entails a whole range of mitzvot (religious obligations). Projects in recent years have included a "crib drive" collection for families in need with infants; food collections; promoting recycling at BEKI; and volunteering at the Jewish Home for the Aged.

A tsedaqa (charity) recipient should be selected by the celebrant and family. Suggestions include the George G. & Leah Posener Endowment for the Education of BEKI Youth; the Ari Nathan Levine Children's Library at BEKI; the Rosenkrantz Family Library Endowment; or the BEKI Endowment. The celebrant should plan to contribute a set percentage of his or her "income" for the year to this cause. (The Biblically prescribed proportion is ten percent.) Families of greater means are encouraged to speak with Rabbi Tilsen about the "Build a Tzedakah Fund" for youth at the Jewish Foundation which provides matching funds to name an endowment to benefit the synagogue or its programs.

Training in tallit and tefillin is required. During the weeks before the bat- or bar-mitzva observance, the celebrant will meet with the Rabbi to verify that the celebrant understands how and why tallit and tefillin are worn, or to learn such. Parents will provide tallit and tefillin for the celebrant when required. The tallit should be large enough to cover at least one-half of the celebrant's body. A tallit may be purchased through the BEKI Sisterhood Giftshop or wherever fine Judaica is sold; prices for a basic tallit begin at $60. Speak with Rabbi Tilsen about how to purchase tefillin; a basic set begins at $250.

A Torah pointer may be created by the celebrant who is planning to read from the Torah. Wood or other materials may be used. Please consult with the Benei Mitzva Program Coordinator if you are interested in creating your own pointer.

Planning ahead for the service can ease anxiety and insure spirited and meaningful worship. Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel is a participatory egalitarian community that encourages the family and friends of the celebrant to participate in the service with the guidance of Rabbi Tilsen. The celebrant is encouraged to lead any portions of the services which she or he knows well. The Rabbi, in consultation with the parents and Benei Mitzva Program Education Director, will determine whether or not a celebrant or others may lead any specific portion of the service.

Which parts of the service the celebrant will learn and lead is an individualized decision that should take into account the celebrant's reading and musical abilities, public speaking ability, interest, and stamina. The period of preparation and the event itself are intended to celebrate a new status marking the celebrant's personal growth; motivate additional learning; recognize actual accomplishment; increase the celebrant's comfort in leading public worship; and reinforce positive feelings about being Jewish. It is hoped that the celebrant will come away from the experience with a sense of affirmation and accomplishment, as well as new "Jewish living skills" that will be of use for a lifetime.

Reciting the Haftara is not the sine qua non of a bar- or bat-mitzva observance, contrary to popular belief. In fact, under Halakha (Jewish law), a minor may recite a Haftara. Haftara should be viewed as one liturgical option among many that the celebrant may lead.

Invitations to the service and affairs may include Hebrew as well as English text. The name of the Congregation should appear correctly as "Congregation Beth El-Keser Israel." Directions to BEKI and maps are available. Include service times for Friday Night (6:00p or 8:00p) and Shabbat Morning services (9:15a). Please consult with Rabbi Tilsen for service times for Shabbat Minha (Afternoon) and Ma`ariv (Evening) services and for services on other days. Be sure to verify the starting time of a Saturday Night affair with the Office Manager and Rabbi, and your food and music providers, before printing invitations. You may wish to make clear whether your invitation is extended to children in the family as well. It is appropriate although not required to indicate on the invitation, "dietary laws strictly observed," for affairs held at the synagogue.

Deciding whom to invite can be difficult due to family budget constraints and other considerations. The BEKI ethic prefers including as many as is feasible, even if it means providing less elaborate food or entertainment. An invitation can serve as a gesture of reconciliation to family members or friends who harbor bad feelings from the past. It is appropriate to invite the Rabbi and his family to the service and following qiddush at the synagogue, but it is not necessary to invite the Rabbi to parties designed for children or family-only affairs. The Office Manager will need to know the approximate number of guests expected in order to provide for their needs while in the building.

Children of guests are welcomed to attend the Children's services on Shabbat morning, all of which begin at 10:45a and end at the same time as the main service. Children participating in the Children's Shabbat Havura for preschoolers must be accompanied by an adult. High chairs are available in the upper and lower social halls. Changing tables are located in the Men's and Women's restrooms and in the Accessible Washroom on the first floor.

Inform guests and vendors of synagogue etiquette and rules. Smoking is not permitted at BEKI. Photography, recording, and writing are not permitted on Shabbat. In the sanctuary, all men (Jewish and non-Jewish) are required to wear a head covering, and men and women are required to wear a head covering while on the bima or at the reader's table. Guests who are not Jewish are not encouraged to wear a tallit. Gum, candy, food and drink should not be consumed in the sanctuary. If you are inviting guests who might not be aware of these rules, please inform them in an appropriate manner.

A telephone for physicians and emergency use is available on the lower level in the stairwell. It is restricted to local calls, which are free, and to 911 emergency calls. For long distance, callers can dial an 800 or 888 number to access their calling card service. Dialing instructions are printed on the telephone. If your guests include physicians on call or others who might need emergency access to a telephone, you may wish to inform them of its availability. There is a telephone in the kitchen for kitchen emergencies as well.

Personalized guides to services have been printed by some families for the benefit of guests not familiar with traditional Conservative Jewish worship. The introduction to Siddur Sim Shalom (the prayer book used at BEKI) includes a useful outline of the services which you may wish to consult in preparing a guide; or you may wish simply to note in your guide the presence of the introduction in Sim Shalom. The Guide can serve to help visitors feel more comfortable by explaining the order of the service as well as synagogue etiquette. If you wish to print such a guide, we suggest having Rabbi Tilsen or a member of the Ritual Committee review it for accuracy. A model text of the Guide to Shabbat Morning Services is available for copying at this site.

Souvenir kippot (skullcaps or yarmulkes) and birkatonim ("benschers" or Grace After Meals song booklets) are optional. Other "party" souvenirs go beyond the model of simplicity, but if they are used may we suggest that Judaica items be included, such as tsedaqa boxes, dreidels, or, for an affair after Shabbat, havdala candles. These items can be ordered from the BEKI Sisterhood Giftshop and wherever fine Judaica is sold. Items that are not permitted to be handled on Shabbat, such as coins, musical instruments, writing and coloring utensils, candles, cameras or battery-operated toys may not be used as "favors" on Shabbat.

Throwing candy during services is discouraged as it disrupts the reader and the children's services. In order to add "sweetness," it is suggested that candy be distributed during the Qiddush after services. Alternatively, those seated in the first three rows may toss candy after the singing of "Adon Olam" at the end of the service. Please be sure that there is enough for all the children, and that 50 pieces are reserved and immediately available for children who do not get candy when it is tossed. Inform the Rabbi of where that candy will be available so that he can direct empty-handed children to the distributor. You may wish to have sugarless selections available for children who cannot eat sugar. Soft candies, but no chocolate, should be used. All candy must be kosher and must be approved in writing by the Rabbi. For approval, present samples in their original package to the Rabbi at least two weeks before the event. The "kosher" designation on a candy wrapper is usually, but not always, sufficient indication that the candy will be acceptable.

Confetti, glitter, sparkles and shooting canned string are not permitted anywhere in the building. Please be sure inform guests who might not be aware of this rule.

Six months before

Plan the aliyot (honors) for the service with Rabbi Tilsen. To honor the celebrant and her or his family, the Ritual Committee extends to the family the privilege of offering many (but not all) of the aliyot to the family and their friends. Since the celebration is taking place as part of the community's regular worship service (as opposed to a private affair), some parts of the service, including Torah-blessing aliyot, will be reserved by the Ritual Committee for members of the Congregation other than the celebrant's family and friends.

Rabbi Tilsen will work with the family to help determine how those honors can most appropriately be distributed. The worksheet appended to the printed edition of this Guide may be reviewed with the Rabbi. Additional copies of the worksheet are available from the Rabbi and the office, along with information about any possible liturgical peculiarities for the date of the observance.

On Shabbat morning, five Torah-blessing aliyot are delegated to members of the family (not including the celebrant). Several additional aliyot (non-speaking) are delegated to members of the family as well. On Shabbat afternoon, additional Torah-blessing and other aliyot are delegated to the celebrant's family as well. On days other than Shabbat, the number of aliyot will vary; consult with the Rabbi. Only one person is called for each Torah-blessing aliya. It is recommended that all those with Torah-blessing honors be given copies of the blessings ahead of time and urged to become familiar with them (see appendix for a copy of the blessings). Only adults who are halakhically (legally) Jewish (as determined by the Rabbi) may be called for aliyot. All (men and women) who have an aliya are required to wear a head covering. In some cases, depending on the liturgical calendar and other considerations, there may be additional aliyot available.

Reading from the Torah (as distinct from the aliya) is one way family members and friends might participate in the service. The Torah Readings are normally arranged by the Ritual Committee about two months in advance. If family or members or friends wish to read Torah, the Ritual Committee member in change of Torah readings should be consulted.

Non-Jewish family members may be recognized and participate in various ways during the events. Please speak with Rabbi Tilsen about how to involve and recognize these family members in appropriate and comfortable ways.

What to wear at the service is an individual choice that should take into consideration halakha and community standards. Celebrants are required to have a head covering. The wearing of a tallit is required for male celebrants and encouraged for female celebrants. Tradition requires that dress on Shabbat be special and distinct from what one wears during the week, and that clothes be unstained and untorn. The values of respect, leisure (as opposed to work), beauty and tsniut (modesty) are among those which can be appropriately expressed in dress. Exertion, anxiety and the lights on the bima (sanctuary stage) may make the participants warm; remember to plan for comfort as well.

The Devar Torah (sermon or Torah lesson) is an important part of the service, as tradition considers study on par with prayer as a form of worship. The Rabbi may invite the celebrant to prepare a Devar Torah. This affords the celebrant and the celebrant's family an additional opportunity to learn about the Torah text that is read on that day or some topic fitting the liturgical calendar. The celebrant prepares a Devar Torah with the help of parents, Benei Mitzva Program instructors, Rabbi or others. Only some celebrants choose to present a Devar Torah. For those who choose not to, Rabbi Tilsen can explain other ways to include a personal message in the service.

Once a topic is chosen, the celebrant is directed to the treasury of explanation, commentary and analysis produced by our scholars and sages over the past 2,500 years. Among the popular sources available in BEKI's Rosenkrantz Library (as well as from Judaica stores, and in electronic form) are Rashi's commentary, which purports to give the peshat or "contextual" meaning; Louis Ginsberg's The Legends of the Jews, a synthesis of midrash; Nachmanides' commentary on the Torah; and Nehama Leibowitz's Studies in Bereshit (Genesis), Shemot (Exodus), VaYikra (Leviticus), BeMidbar (Numbers), Devarim (Deuteronomy). The Encyclopedia Judaica and other reference works can provide helpful historic, cultural and political background to the Biblical events. Rabbi Tilsen strongly advises students not to "search the web" for Bible commentaries, but rather to learn to use the basic and recognized quality Jewish commentaries.

The service parts that will be lead by the celebrant will be determined during this period. This is decided by the Rabbi in consultation with the celebrant, family, the Benei Mitzva Program's Education Director, and, when necessary, the Ritual Committee.

Notice in the BEKI Bulletin will appear giving the date of the service. Please submit a clear black-and-white or color photo (3"x5" or 5"x7") of the celebrant to the attention of the BEKI Bulletin Editor at least three months prior to the date of the event. The photo can be returned if requested. Unless otherwise requested, a notice will be sent to the Connecticut Jewish Ledger for publication. And unless otherwise requested, the photo will also appear in the Internet Edition of the BEKI Bulletin.

Regular attendance should now include at least one daily morning (such as Sunday 9:00a to 9:30a) service and one daily afternoon or evening service (5:45p to 6:15p) per week. During this period the celebrant will have actual practice in leading parts of public worship in an intimate setting. Shabbat evening, morning and afternoon services should be attended each week as well.

The month before

A meeting with the Office Manager at this time can be helpful in confirming logistical arrangements. Schedules should be decided for deliveries of food and other supplies. Arrangements should be made for removing leftover food and decorations and for other clean-up after the event. Working closely with the Office Manager at this time can prevent last-minute difficulties.

A rehearsal or "walk-through" with the Benei Mitzva Program instructors or Rabbi Tilsen (or both) can be helpful. After having attended Shabbat services on a regular basis, the service outline will be familiar. Nevertheless, some people like to walk through the service a few days before. Since every Torah scroll is unique, the celebrant may like to see the writing in the actual scroll that will be read on the day of the event. This is also an opportunity to practice a Devar Torah or other spoken presentation in the sanctuary. Call the Benei Mitzva Program Director about a month before the event to schedule this rehearsal.

Photography is permitted during the rehearsal (but not during the service). Be sure to check with your photographer for availability. Photography is not permitted any time on Shabbat or Festivals at the synagogue, and is not permitted during any actual service (even on weekdays).

Those receiving aliyot at the invitation of the family should be informed of that invitation at this point. Those who might benefit from reviewing the Torah blessings beforehand should be sent a copy (appended).

A complete list or itemized bill from the caterer should be presented to the office to the attention of the Rabbi to facilitate kashrut and inventory control.

A meeting with Rabbi Tilsen at this time will finalize plans for the service. In addition, the Rabbi will request an oral report on the celebrant's mitzva and tsedaqa projects.

Reflecting on the meaning and purpose of the celebration can help keep things in perspective. Is the celebrant learning and feeling good about his or her accomplishments? Are the family's real values reflected in the type of celebrations planned and in the allocation of resources?

The week of the observance

Attending Shabbat afternoon, Monday and Thursday morning services and other services during this week affords the celebrant opportunities to gain comfort leading public worship in an intimate setting. The Torah portion that will be read on the Shabbat of the bar- or bat-mitzva observance is in most cases read on the preceding Shabbat afternoon, Monday morning and Thursday morning. The celebrant who is reading Torah is invited to read their portion at these times as well.

A meeting with the Office Manager will review and finalize plans for set-up and deliveries. Because the Office Manager is experienced in facilitating synagogue events, the Office Manager can be helpful in anticipating and solving logistical problems.

Food delivery should be scheduled in consultation with the office. Usually delivery requires support of the synagogue staff, including custodial staff and a kashrut supervisor. If a complete inventory of food being served has not yet been presented, it must be provided to the Synagogue Office before delivery will be accepted. To insure availability, careful planning is required. Deliveries must be completed by noon Friday or 2:00p Monday through Thursday. We suggest that a family member or representative attend the delivery with an inventory in hand to assure that a correct and complete delivery is made. The BEKI staff is not able to provide this service.

Order of the Services

Friday Night services begin promptly at 6:00p or 8:00p. During summer months the 6:00p service (but not at the 8:00p service) begins with the weekday minha afternoon service (pp. 164-199 in Siddur Sim Shalom Classic Edition). This service takes approximately fifteen minutes. It can be lead by the celebrant, a family member, or someone assigned by the Ritual Committee. Selections from Shir HaShirim (the Biblical Song of Songs) may be read as an option. Then the Qabbalat Shabbat service (pp. 252-269), a collection of psalms and hymns, is lead by one person. Then, on some occasions, and normally at the 8:00p service, a Devar Torah is presented by the Rabbi or someone invited by the Rabbi. The Ma`ariv evening service (pp. 279-327) is then lead by the prayer leader. Ma`ariv may be lead by the same person who lead Qabbalat Shabbat or by a different person. The Qiddush recited during Ma`ariv may be recited by the celebrant even when someone else is leading Ma`ariv. During some services, English readings are incorporated which may be read by the celebrant or other family members.

Shabbat Morning services begin promptly at 9:15a. The family may wish to have someone present by 8:30a. to greet guests coming from a distance who may arrive early. For starting times on other days, consult the Rabbi. The first section of the service, pesuqei de-zimra ("verses of praise") is lead by one person who should be present and announce himself or herself to the Rabbi no later than 9:10a. Then (typically by 9:40a) a new leader takes over for the shaharit morning service. The shaharit service includes the recitation of the Shema and the Amida, which constitute the core of the liturgy. While it is only natural to feel an urge to greet guests and family members during this time, the family is requested to respect the service by remaining in their seats and refraining from talking. Greetings may be offered before the service or during the Qiddush.

The Torah Service can be lead by the person who lead shaharit or by another. Persons participating by opening and closing the ark doors or handling the scrolls should be sufficiently strong, ambulatory and able to walk steps up and down the bima. They ascend the bima when the reader reaches qaddish shalem and await the Rabbi's cue. Since the Torah service includes numerous details of protocol, please speak with the Rabbi before extending honors to family or friends.

The Devar Torah (Torah lesson or "sermon") is given after the conclusion of the entire Torah Service. It is followed by special presentations. Some parents choose to make a brief presentation to their son or daughter at this time; others prefer not to do so.

The Musaf ("Additional") Service, part of every Shabbat, Festival and Rosh Hodesh service, comprises a special Amida. Musaf concludes with `Ein Kelokenu, `Aleinu and Adon Olam, which may be lead by the celebrant's classmates and friends, along with all of the children who wish to help.

The Qiddush or Luncheon immediately follows the service. The entire congregation is invited to the social hall or the lower social hall for qiddush. A card with the text of the Shabbat morning qiddush is posted on the refrigerators in the kitchens. The celebrant and family should proceed immediately to the Qiddush table for qiddush; there will be ample time for visiting once the Qiddush commences. If a luncheon is served, the meal should be concluded with birkat ha-mazon.

Shabbat Minha Afternoon services (p. 558 ff. in the Classic Edition) include a brief Torah Reading (but no haftara) with three (and no more) Torah-blessing aliyot and the Shabbat minha amida. The minha service has its own unique and beautiful melody. Celebrants who lead Shabbat evening and morning services are urged to learn and lead this service as well. During winter, this service begins approximately 30 minutes before sunset; during summer, at 5:45p. The service typically takes 30-40 minutes. Please verify the correct starting time for this service.

The Se`uda Shelishit immediately follows the service. It begins with hamotsi, may include singing and divrei Torah, and concludes with birkat ha-mazon.

The Maariv Evening Service for Motse`ei Shabbat (p. 200 ff. in Sim Shalom) takes about 20 minutes and concludes with the havdala ceremony over wine, spices and candlelight. The ma`ariv service begins, at the earliest, 45 minutes after sunset. The service time is set by the Rabbi. Benei mitzva are encouraged to learn and lead these services as well. One person leads ma`ariv; another or the same person may lead havdala. The havdala service indicates the conclusion of Shabbat.

Rosh Hodesh and days other than Shabbat have their own liturgy and unique logistic considerations that should be discussed with the Rabbi and Office Manager.

After the observance

Thank-you notes should be sent to the Synagogue President or Sisterhood President for any gifts presented to the celebrant by the Synagogue. Rabbi Tilsen and the Office Manager do not accept gratuities from synagogue members; appreciation for special services can be expressed through a verbal "thanks" or a contribution to the Rabbi's Tzedaqa Fund or other BEKI fund. Those wishing to offer gratuities to the custodial staff are asked to speak first with the Office Manager.

Suggestions and reports of problems are welcomed as they help the staff learn to do a better job in helping subsequent celebrants. Please address your suggestions or complaints to the Office Manager, the President, the Vice-President for Ritual Affairs or the Rabbi.

Express your pride and your gladness. By keeping in mind what is truly important in the celebration, you will enjoy an affirming spiritual experience that will enhance the religious life of your family.

Continue the momentum by finding new ways to grow intellectually and spiritually. Benei mitzva are welcomed to participate in all of BEKI's Torah for the Hungry Mind Adult Education programs, and are urged to join our Kadima and USY (United Synagogue Youth) group. The MAKOM program of the Jewish Federation of Greater New Haven's Department of Jewish Education (387-2424) is one avenue for interacting with other Jewish youth in a setting with an educational focus. The bar- or bat-mitzva is now part of the adult community, responsible for its welfare, and is urged to attend services and to volunteer to lead the parts of public worship he or she has mastered on a regular basis. Our tradition is concerned not so much with where one stands on the ladder of Jewish learning and living, as on the direction one is moving. Qedusha ("holiness") is felt not from being at a certain "height" but rather from the feeling of motion as one ascends.

Mazal Tov!

Glossary of Hebrew Terms